Where do I go from here?

My good friend, Val has been talking with me about the tension between my rehabilitation and acceptance of my disability and status. Perhaps this can be interpreted as that I will make some progress towards restoration, independence and freedom, but I need to work towards acceptance of my disability, integrating this within my life.

This is good in principle but I find there is a need (and Val, being a therapist, fully understands and agrees) to allow the grieving process to continue.  Some mornings I wake up and it suddenly hits me again.  I find it can be really painful even 3 years on, the loss and the long-term consequences of my stroke, something that happened in an instant, when I collapsed to the ground thinking “ok, this is strange but I will come round” like you normally do when you feel unwell.  It was a very odd, and frightening, yes a terrifying experience and I did not come round.   It exploded out of nowhere and it smashed my life into bits.  Why?  But why not? Life is complex, there is no way of understanding what can be around the corner, and as we all appreciate, life is incredibly fragile.  Just look what is happening in Afghanistan at the moment. Out of nowhere people’s lives have been shattered and changed without knowing what the future holds. But then this is so true for all of us and especially as we get older, with our gradual decline perhaps exacerbated by some form of disease or life limiting condition. 

We all live with some form of loss and hold grief whether we are ageing/declining or had a dramatic explosive event.  Death, dying, loss and grief is everyone’s business, and my point is that recognising life is fragile, life is to be lived with everything it has to offer, whilst there remains the tension between acceptance and restoration living with love in all its fullness, knowing we are loved and can love. Enjoying life and dancing because whoever you are whatever your circumstances, you can.  

So, as someone said to me the other day, be grateful and give thanks you woke up this morning.

7 thoughts on “Where do I go from here?

  1. A brilliant piece. Grieving is different for each person as is dealing with the journey that is life, never straight forward.

    You are amazing Peter. Keep on keeping on.

    Much love to you and Duncan. Always in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. Thank you, Peter. That is quite profound and reflects shifts in your own thinking and understanding, as well as progress on the acceptance front.
    I have been feeling utterly overwhelmed with the crisis in Kabul and wrestling yet again with questions such as Is God weeping too or merely passively onlooking? Many would say these things are God’s judgement – if so, then surely out of all proportion. An overload of grief and anguish this week, not alleviated by praying or giving.

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  3. Darling so heartfelt and enlightening. Yes you must be able to mourn at your own pace. You are grieving a death and only time will heel. But there is no time limit on grief, it is personal and no one grieves at the same pace. There are no common rules on this journey, it is all a blank page which only you can fill in. Acceptance can feel like defeat so don’t let it. You have incredible inner strength and wonderful and loving support from Duncan and your many friends. Sending you love and kisses. Princess xxx

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  4. I had underestimated your grief Peter. I’d like to think it’s due to my own but that’s being too generous with myself. I’m thankful that In the wise words of Alan Bennett, you keep on keeping on.
    With love
    H

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  5. I had underestimated your grief Peter. I’d like to think it’s due to my own but that’s being too generous with myself. I’m thankful that In the wise words of Alan Bennett, you keep on keeping on.
    With love
    H

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